It’s Independence Day and I’m in a writing mood I guess. I’ve just hit play on my traditional paying of the Wild the Innocent and the E Street Shuffle for 4th of July Asbury Park. I was up before six writing my morning pages. I wrote for an hour which is about twice as long as usual for me. I also wrote 2,000 words which is unheard of for me in the morning. I also broke past the 100,000 word mark since I joined 750 Words. For the most part today I was writing about writing. I was trying to make sense of the disconnect between what is my best year of journalling ever and what has felt like my weakest year of publishing since I started living more online.
It’s difficult not to beat myself up for this. Of course finding something to beat myself up over is one of my favorite pastimes so it’s not like I’ve had to look far. But I’m trying to just take stock and cut me some slack whenever I can. Here at pretty much the half way point at the year I can say it’s been an amazing year. That said it has also been a stressful one. It’s a back and forth. As I approach five years at my job I find that I’m more efficient than ever. On the other hand the economy and my store’s neighborhood continue to struggle making for some continued soft numbers. I love living with Kelly in our wonderful little Pacifica cottage but the stresses of moving and the growing pains of living together and sharing a small space make for the occasional trying time. I’m cooking more and more at home and enjoying doing it more than ever. However Friday I bought shirts in a size that I’ve never had to wear before in my life. I’ve been welcomed whole-heartily into Kelly’s family and very recently re-connected with a father I haven’t talked to in many decades. Yet I continue to be estranged from my sister and miss my mother, niece, aunt and cousins terribly with so many miles between us. I’m getting married. This is a wonderful thing. The most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. Yet the decisions and the details are difficult, elusive and much harder and broader than we had ever thought when we envisioned this nice easy, casual, wedding in the park. In short it’s been an action packed year so far and sometimes it takes more time for me to processes it than I would like. By the time I come to grips with one thing it’s another. I know. This is just the reality of modern life.
But back to the writing. I found myself wondering just how much of my unedited, private journal needs to stay private. Thinking about it, I think only about ten or fifteen percent would constitute things that I wouldn’t want to or am not ready to share. So then the question comes to mind why don’t I just do more copying and pasting of these morning thoughts. The answer to that is the answer to the question, “How much of my journal is boring, repetitive and uninteresting?” Accurate or not I feel like the answer is 90 percent. That’s why I don’t just throw that work out to the ether. Yet in the end I feel like there is a me that is represented in those morning pages that I do want to share. There is picture of who I am that I haven’t been able to reproduce in other ways that I don’t feel a need to keep private. The answer for me I feel is to keep writing. Morning pages are designed as a way of taming your inner sensor. I need to do more of that. I need to show more courage, stamina, and industry in my chosen arts.
The three things that make up the bulk of the personal side of my daily to-do list are: morning pages, blog post and picture publication. I’ve got that first one down pat. The second one must come out of the first. I need them to work hand in hand. I want it to be okay to share what comes up in my personal journal even if it is heavily revised or truncated. And finally I need to take my picture taking seriously again. I’m shooting different pictures now. More around the house. More out in nature. It’s been a struggle to see those as a big of a reflection of my art as my city pictures. True or not it’s where I am right now and I should at least run with what have.
It’s Summer. My least favored season. Yet here I am, writing to myself every single day. Here I am, laying down yet another public declaration of artistic intent. Here I am sharing, growing, creating.
LACview 